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Posts Tagged ‘family issues’

I sometimes wonder why – but I know why – it takes so much out of me to stand firm and say ‘I will not tolerate this’, and move on. On numerous occassions in the last 12 months – perhaps more if I was to get really tough, there have been times when maybe I should have put my foot down and had the hissy fit. Maybe I could learn something from my feisty eldest daughter – I don’t think she handles issues well sometimes but i have to admire her for fighting back and not submitting, caving in, giving up, giving way.

I had something, I had a dream, I had hope, I grasped true pure happiness, if only for a brief moment.

I loved the man of my  life in the last two years deeply. I would like to say it was unconditionally but I think that is the province of the children. I wanted to be able to do it unconditionally – but a little hurt grew and there was another hurt, and then another. I found myself once again buried by feelings of powerlessness, of being unheard, of not being free to be me or the person I can be. I wasn’t being nurtured – I was doing the nurturing . And the lesson I have not yet learned it seems is to nurture myself first.

I have learned something though – a lot. He is a good man, a wonderful person. He made me laugh. He showed me love. He was passionate. He is feeling remorse for deeds of the pass – suffering from them even. He could be firm and kind, even tolerant, just like me. But he suffered the problems of drinking and all that goes with it. Alcoholism – that insidious sneaky revolting affliction that is affecting so many people, so many lives, so many good things in the world. He has a real battle on his hands. I did what I could to help but I am drained.  Al Anon teaches that alcoholism is a family disease – they are right. It affects all of us, screws with our minds and lives. In order to get well we need to look after ourselves one day at a time. This is what I will do.

I have also learned that to stop drinking is not enough to deal with the issues of alcoholism – there is a whole lot more very painful work ahead for a recovering alcoholic. Not having a drink is just the first baby step – not the resolution. Letting go of someone going through such a struggle so you can stay well yourself  is damn hard – you have to be firm, even cold. You have to be consistent. You are not giving up on them but that’s what they think you are doing – they are selfish when you feel guilty and selfish yourself for saying I need to look after me.

I keep telling myself – if I am not well I am no good to anyone. I still have one child at home I am responsible for. I have a job and career I love. I have parents who need some of my time and attention. I have a maturing adult daughter who still needs my emotional support and encouragement. I have to be well. Hell I cannot even be a friend to my ex partner who is suffering from that insidious condition if I cannot be strong and firm.

God speed my love – give yourself up to your higher power – you will find a way, as I will.

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I thought since some people have read the story about Miss A stonewalling me that it was worth writing about a young Miss A (now 18 and a half) showing much more maturity. In the 18 months she was living elsewhere she discovered life can be tough and getting what you want is difficult. She came back home to live about 6 weeks ago. (more…)

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