Archive for the ‘self awareness’ Category

So…I have just read Adreienne’s post about letting go…and helps a little. She explores the confusion of what it means to let go, let God, to let go with love. But she also says a few other things I feel like responding to – I hope she doesn’t mind:)

Wasn’t I expected to solve my own and everyone else’s problems, have all the answers, and support the behavior patterns, no matter how destructive?  How could I keep my family together?

Yes I have felt like this  – the responsible one. So responsible in fact I have a history of exhausting myself and getting lost in that exhaustion. My care of self diminished. My love for others sees me so consumed loving them there is not much left for me. They say you should get back what you give, but when that doesn’t happen you know you are in a destructive place and something needs to be done. The serenity prayer helped me to come to terms with the need to have to courage to accept the things I could change, recognise those I could not and the wisdom to know the difference. I can not change the behaviour of others – I need only look at myself. So all that giving had to be turned back to me. I needed to solve my problems, find my answers, examine and adjust my behaviour patterns and if the family dymanics altered because of that then maybe that is the way it is meant to be.

…The answer lies not in letting go of people but in letting go of my outworn, painful thinking patterns.  I can replace them with honesty, openness and willingness to change into a more positive person.”

I let go of the belief that things could get better, than one day I would be heard, that one day I might even be asked, without judgement or argument, what it I that I wanted; that if and when I had the courage to say what I wanted I was actually going to be heard and respected. I had to realise that I was consumed by my thinking, my fears, my doubts, the distrust – and not co-existing with faith, openness, honesty, and love. When everything you think, say or do starts to be based on how the other might be thinking or feeling, you have given over too much of yourself – you live for them, not yourself. These are painful thinking patterns. They need to stop.

If we love someone and have made a conscious decision to keep that person in our lives it seems anti productive to “let go” of them.  Truly we don’t let go of love for them and most times not the person.  We come to understand that loving is more than what we understood love to be.  Loving is an action.  What we let go of is our limited understanding of what love is.  Love is not control.  Love is not fixing.  Have you ever been fixed? or controlled?  Do your emotions tell you this is a good thing?  This control is the theme of adolescence.  We know looking at the power struggle between parents and children that it doesn’t feel good on either end.  We let go of our children by allowing them to live their lives and love them more for it.  What we want that is most important is not most important to someone with an addiction. Their goal is different.  Their goal is to eliminate the pain either physically, mentally or emotionally, usually easiest things first. We all function that way.

What we want is most important. This is not most important to a person suffering and addiction problem.  – this goes both for the addict  and the one who loves them. The one who loves them must decide what is most important – for them. Loving ourselves is taking control for ourselves. This is letting go, with love. It is not easy – it creates a need for change – big change. It creates the need to look inside self and ask the question what do I want, what is good for me? It takes  courage to make a conscious decision to put self first when you tend naturally to want to help and love others – when you are raised to consider the thoughts and feelings of others before your own. You have to find the courage to relearn the meaning of the word selfish. If you do not put what is most important for you first you end up so ill that you are of now help to anyone. You need to reset your boundaries and start again. This takes stepping back, retreating. I means saying enuff. Leave me be. Let me rethink and refocus; I will leave loved ones to God, I have the courage to accept what I cannot change.

Letting go has made me look at my boundaries. Letting go gives me the space, courage and selfrespect to examine my boundaries and shore them up. It isn’t easy but one day at a time I am once again finding my lost self and strengthening those boundaries.

Honesty, openeness, trust, mutual respect. If I give these core values to others – I expect them back. I accept not everyone can do that – but I will find peaceful coexistence with those who can.

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I did it…thanks to my sis…I got to meet the almighty guru himself Craig Harper. (I will add a link later – for now this is my story!) Ok…so he made me laugh, almost made me cry…but has definitely got me back on track as I put my life on a hoist, poke it, prod it, and give it a nice old tune up…and now I have more fodder to blog about 🙂


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I got this rather important message this morning:

When your cup is full — stop pouring. Sip on what you’ve got in there for a bit. If you get to the bottom and there’s not another drop in sight… Well, go wash your cup.

It comes from this blog: Shift your Spirits

It is timely as I head to that part of my working year when there really is not enough time to do and be all I think I should be. I think i am going to ban should from my vocab. I have come across this idea before. Should is debilitating, some demand to be better, do better than we already are. Ok…I should go get ready for work now…woops…I think that one is ‘must’ 🙂 I know there is more on this topic I could write too. But no, I will leave that for another time and go wash my cup for now.

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Hmmm…12 months have passed so I guess I should check up on how I am doing. I have had my moments recently so its probably a good time to get real about a check up. The signs are good, very good in fact. (more…)

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I just came across this article: http://www.speakstrong.com/articles/speak-strong/boats.html

I just can’t say it much better – I have covered this topic before, so I won’t ad…except to say yes this is important6 for my journey of confrontation!


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‘You have a problem with confrontation’ ( a psych nurse)

‘You have not confronted the most important person yet – yourself’ (My counsellor)

Yikes….my body is wracked with fear and anguish. My experience of confrontation is negative….scary…frightening. Confrontation means I will upset someone, rock the boat, stand up for myself (and I always seem to fail at that). The last person I want to upset is me. I have already rocked my boat by giving up on my marriage….so what exactly does this mean? Why is my thinking so skewed?


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Well I wish i had written this myself but I didn’t. Reading it was like looking in a mirror and seeing the old me….not a pretty site is it?

Check it out here

The words doormat are still there – but fading fast….anyone got some really good stuff I can just clean them up with 🙂




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Ok…so I have moved on…am getting better – now what? Like what exactly are my goals? What do I now want to achieve? I have spent the better part of the last 6 months playing and having fun but essentially I am goal driven and not a floater. Floating has been fun but I think it is time to spend less time floating and more time working on the longer term goals!


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My favourite blogger and mentor has done it again! He has written a timely reminder for me..well of course not just for me but there is something about his timing I am sure – positive in fact!

“Stop wasting your life on crap you can’t change”.

Lets take a little peek at where I may have strayed from the path… (more…)

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Well I am inspired again this morning by none other than CH as he writes about being a ‘wierdo’. Ok…I am a wierdo..cos ‘normal’ just doesn’t fit!

Key quotes:

I still regularly feel out of place and like I don’t belong or really fit in.

Ummm not as clever as some, not as sexy as others, different tatses in music art and culture…no passion to stay married forever warts and all….
While all the other ‘normal’ kids were ploughing up and down the pool with their skinny ten year-old bodies, I was splashing around in my big-ass T-shirt… to hide my numerous rolls.

Not quite the same but similar…tried to fit into and be comfy in the ‘trendy stuff’ so many times and they… well…just don’t fit!

Even investing the time and energy that I do into this web-site has caused some of my friends to question my sanity and judgement… apparently doing what I do doesn’t make ‘commercial sense’.
It’s not logical; it’s weird.

Yeah – I get this – for different reasons but I get it…I once wrote heaps of lessons on decorative painting – they were hosted in other places and the sites closed…but I wanted my stuff out there for free…so i have a website that is my ‘classroom’ for painters. Something is broken on it right now so it is in need of repair…but people wondered why I bothered. I enjoyed it…knockers should learn to huild bridges!

Don’t really belong. – depends on where I am but it happens
Not good enough. – grew up with this debilitating self belief…changing that
Talented enough. – Creatively yes…athletically no…but i love dancing and don’t do to bad with some of that – now a recognised sport…so thats cool!
Funny enough. – Ive been looking for my sense of humour for about oh….20 years…lost it somewhere…anyone seen it?
Clever enough. – depends on the context…I’ve had a bit of the opposite where being clever is ‘threatening’ to ‘normal’ people…can’t win!
Cool enough. – never wanted to be cool anyway- I like warm and fuzzy
Skinny enough.- constant rollercoaster ride
Pretty enough. – for some
Young enough.- build a bridge…never to young to five something a go. This really ahs not been an issue for me…

Ok…Time to give Craig a little gift from my creative talents!

Now I know that I may have disappointed some of you because you thought I was Superman, not Weirdo-man… but sadly, it’s true.
No ‘super’ and plenty of weird.
I think I need a tight outfit with a big ‘W’ on the front.
Perhaps something in blue.
Turquoise even.
And maybe a modest yellow cape.
Nothing too long… might get caught in the back wheel.
Possibly some red boots.
Or not.
And beige tights.
I’m digressing.
You love my digressing.
It’s why you come back.
See… weird.

This is for Craig!

Super Wierd Guy


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