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Archive for the ‘love’ Category

So…I have just read Adreienne’s post about letting go…and helps a little. She explores the confusion of what it means to let go, let God, to let go with love. But she also says a few other things I feel like responding to – I hope she doesn’t mind:)

Wasn’t I expected to solve my own and everyone else’s problems, have all the answers, and support the behavior patterns, no matter how destructive?  How could I keep my family together?

Yes I have felt like this  – the responsible one. So responsible in fact I have a history of exhausting myself and getting lost in that exhaustion. My care of self diminished. My love for others sees me so consumed loving them there is not much left for me. They say you should get back what you give, but when that doesn’t happen you know you are in a destructive place and something needs to be done. The serenity prayer helped me to come to terms with the need to have to courage to accept the things I could change, recognise those I could not and the wisdom to know the difference. I can not change the behaviour of others – I need only look at myself. So all that giving had to be turned back to me. I needed to solve my problems, find my answers, examine and adjust my behaviour patterns and if the family dymanics altered because of that then maybe that is the way it is meant to be.

…The answer lies not in letting go of people but in letting go of my outworn, painful thinking patterns.  I can replace them with honesty, openness and willingness to change into a more positive person.”

I let go of the belief that things could get better, than one day I would be heard, that one day I might even be asked, without judgement or argument, what it I that I wanted; that if and when I had the courage to say what I wanted I was actually going to be heard and respected. I had to realise that I was consumed by my thinking, my fears, my doubts, the distrust – and not co-existing with faith, openness, honesty, and love. When everything you think, say or do starts to be based on how the other might be thinking or feeling, you have given over too much of yourself – you live for them, not yourself. These are painful thinking patterns. They need to stop.

If we love someone and have made a conscious decision to keep that person in our lives it seems anti productive to “let go” of them.  Truly we don’t let go of love for them and most times not the person.  We come to understand that loving is more than what we understood love to be.  Loving is an action.  What we let go of is our limited understanding of what love is.  Love is not control.  Love is not fixing.  Have you ever been fixed? or controlled?  Do your emotions tell you this is a good thing?  This control is the theme of adolescence.  We know looking at the power struggle between parents and children that it doesn’t feel good on either end.  We let go of our children by allowing them to live their lives and love them more for it.  What we want that is most important is not most important to someone with an addiction. Their goal is different.  Their goal is to eliminate the pain either physically, mentally or emotionally, usually easiest things first. We all function that way.

What we want is most important. This is not most important to a person suffering and addiction problem.  – this goes both for the addict  and the one who loves them. The one who loves them must decide what is most important – for them. Loving ourselves is taking control for ourselves. This is letting go, with love. It is not easy – it creates a need for change – big change. It creates the need to look inside self and ask the question what do I want, what is good for me? It takes  courage to make a conscious decision to put self first when you tend naturally to want to help and love others – when you are raised to consider the thoughts and feelings of others before your own. You have to find the courage to relearn the meaning of the word selfish. If you do not put what is most important for you first you end up so ill that you are of now help to anyone. You need to reset your boundaries and start again. This takes stepping back, retreating. I means saying enuff. Leave me be. Let me rethink and refocus; I will leave loved ones to God, I have the courage to accept what I cannot change.

Letting go has made me look at my boundaries. Letting go gives me the space, courage and selfrespect to examine my boundaries and shore them up. It isn’t easy but one day at a time I am once again finding my lost self and strengthening those boundaries.

Honesty, openeness, trust, mutual respect. If I give these core values to others – I expect them back. I accept not everyone can do that – but I will find peaceful coexistence with those who can.

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Ok…so I have moved on…am getting better – now what? Like what exactly are my goals? What do I now want to achieve? I have spent the better part of the last 6 months playing and having fun but essentially I am goal driven and not a floater. Floating has been fun but I think it is time to spend less time floating and more time working on the longer term goals!

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Are you a parent with a 17 something teenage daughter that thinks she has the man of her dreams in her life and who bends the rules at every opportunity…I am and sad to say but I have had to bring to the fore tough love – problem it’s it feels tough on me too. I know in the long run this is for our benefit, but gee it is hard. Miss 17 currently thinks I am being unfair and unreasonable and is attempting to manipulate me with the idea that she can choose to live where she likes. So be it – but I am not changing my rules if she lives with me. (more…)

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Well this is not about my relationship with the ex for a change! This is about me, you and everyone else! I am rather chuffed to say that I have been noted for responding to a clip of a scene performed by Sydney Poitier noting how it reflects what we are capable of if we use our emotional intelligence. You can check it out at Tune up your EQ. Emotional intelligence is one of those things I believe we need to develop or learn and for some that is easier said than done, including myself. I was raised to believe that in time I would ‘mature’ and in developing this maturity it is assumed that the way I handle my emotions would simply grow with me. This is not true, and as a teacher, and mother, I spend quite a bit of time ‘teaching’ a more emotionally intelligent response to situations. (more…)

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Ok..I have a life long problem…I am not good at saying ‘no’. It’s a simple word. I can do it well in the classroom when I have to, and sometimes I have no choice but to say ‘no’ because it costs too much and is not in the budget – but that’s not the kind of ‘no’ I am talking about. I am talking about the ‘no’ needed when you have to put yourself, your needs, your life and wellbeing first. (more…)

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Prelude: If you have been following this story you know I have separated from my husband and Miss 17 was not coping with the living arrangements so she lost it. Miss 17 is wanting to cut loose and leave both of us:

“I don’t want to live with you at Grandma’s. I don’t like her. …I am going to get youth allowance and leave home. I want independence. I want freedom. I want….”

Mother: sigh….self centeredness is not what I taught her. Black and white thinking is not what I taught her. Gradual independence I have given her. But right now she is thinking and behaving in extremes. If you are in this position read on…you are a good mum…keep reminding yourself of this as you participate in the teenage playground and ride these swings and roundabouts as a parent! (more…)

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She has hit rock bottom

She can’t cope with the separation under one roof thing

She feels unsupported, uncertain

She thinks she needs to go it alone, but she doesn’t feel ready

She did not want to come home

I got her and brought her home

She wanted to talk

Dad and mum at the table, little sister was out

She blurted it all out and got more distressed

She was inconsolable, irrational, at rock bottom

I offered to take her somewhere safe

Where I knew after hours counselling was available to us

She agreed

I asked him to come too – he is her father

His response – ‘What do I need to go for? I don’t need counselling!’

We went without him

Enuff said

Epilogue – She spent the night in the safety of the home of a family friend. She felt more secure and so did I knowing she was not out there with teenage friends already dislocated from their families. I have a lot of repair work to do now. Living under the same roof but separated has hurt her more than I can possibly imagine. I am sorry.

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