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Archive for July, 2007

Well I went back to uni this week and went out till 4 am…is that really me? Well it was me of the old days of my early 20’s. It was a time I loved. I am beginning to wonder if I am ‘reliving my childhood’ or if I am really rediscovering myself. Let me play with that question while I tell you my story and see where I end up in a conclusion! (more…)

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When I was a child I was not allowed to express my anger at what I perceived to be injustice or unfairness. If I did, I was accused of being ungrateful. I had to be ‘good’ and it was somehow my fault if I was bad and I was never able to day something or even think something that would upset mum. ‘you should not think like that’, ‘don’t hurt other peoples feelings’. Well that has led to a whole range of keeping thoughts and feelings to myself till in a fit of deep depression and rage they all come spilling out. If i spoke my mind, hurt someone or got caught doing something wring, especially lying i would even have a full on physical response – the hot flush.

So…I am on my way to mending this and I made what for me was a big step some time ago. (I wrote this at the time but just discovered it in my drafts and not yet published – oops!)  My husband is a chronic liar. I have always dismissed it as machoism, bullshit, tall stories, but essentially it is not being honest. It has always guiled me but since I learned to repress my anger I could never let him know I thought he was talking crap, that I didn’t like it, or comment on what it said about his lack of integrity. I am for some reason proud of my integrity and the fact that I am honest and do not lie. So…there has been this constant silent war going on between the two of us – my integrity and tell no lies approach to life vs his say what you think other people want to hear to make you look good approach. Hmmm..a real conflict there. In this silent war, I get depressed because I do not express my anger. I don’t know how to as I was taught it was a bad emotion, an inappropriate one and one that hurts those who love you. What a dilemma!

In a conversation between my mother and myself, my husband butted in (usual) and declared we as a couple did not do love bites (hickeys). It was a lie. An out and out lie to make us look good in the eyes of my mum. My response – for the first time in I don’t know how long was automatic – ‘Don’t lie!’. There – I had challenged him, confronted him over a pissy little lie – but it was the first step. I had the courage to say my peace, to point out his lack of honesty instead of swallowing it so it can eat me up inside. Further to that I said it in front of my mum who had belittled him so much when we were younger that I would never challenge him in front of her to save him that embarassment and me the admission that perhaps mum was right about how not good (enough) he was. (read my first post).

So…I have made a first step – albeit a small one. the next question a counsellor would ask is how did that feel? Liberating! A big YES! fist in the air ‘I did it’ kind of response. Anyone would think I had just won the 100m freestyle for women! After being so clammed up for so many years, it was so nice to have the courage to say to him do not lie.

After that of course I had to let the guilt pass through – I expected he was feeling embarrassed, angry at me for pointing out his lie in front of mum, etc etc. But he is 47 and if he cannot reflect honestly on how he (we) behaved as a young lover at this age well….what hope is there for my almost 17 year old daughter! She is honest, truthful, and never punished for telling us things we do not like to hear. I am realistic about how she is behaving – as I say to her I don’t have to like it – but I do want her to be truthful. I always thank her for being honest and sharing with me – and she feels safe enough to come and ask me pretty much anything as a result. No judgement – just truth. She knows I don’t like to see her hickies and I have asked her to be discreet. Enuff said. No need to pretend you do not (did not) do them as a young person yourself.

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As a parent I am concerned about the phenomenon of MY SPACE – my kids are into it -as are many others. I am also a teacher of teenagers and have already witnessed the impact that a MY SPACE page can have within a peer group in the real world. I have come across this really interesting explanation of ‘friending’ and while not necessarily the best resource since it’s the first one I have found I would like to share it with you. It’s a start at least. To be informed is to be forearmed for a potential breakdown in social group for our own children.

If you are a parent or a teacher or someone who works with teenagers it is in your best interest to get a handle on how the kids are socialising and ‘friending’ each other online. Check out this article and you will see what I mean.

Here is a little from the Abstract to get you started:

“Are you my friend? Yes or no?” This question, while fundamentally odd, is a key component of social network sites. Participants must select who on the system they deem to be ‘Friends.’ Their choice is publicly displayed for all to see and becomes the backbone for networked participation. By examining what different participants groups do on social network sites, this paper investigates what Friendship means and how Friendship affects the culture of the sites.

Hope it helps!

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Well this is not about my relationship with the ex for a change! This is about me, you and everyone else! I am rather chuffed to say that I have been noted for responding to a clip of a scene performed by Sydney Poitier noting how it reflects what we are capable of if we use our emotional intelligence. You can check it out at Tune up your EQ. Emotional intelligence is one of those things I believe we need to develop or learn and for some that is easier said than done, including myself. I was raised to believe that in time I would ‘mature’ and in developing this maturity it is assumed that the way I handle my emotions would simply grow with me. This is not true, and as a teacher, and mother, I spend quite a bit of time ‘teaching’ a more emotionally intelligent response to situations. (more…)

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A Chameleon is a changeable, fickle, or inconstant person. That’ my ex. After the tirade of abuse I got on Sunday, and again on Tuesday after I went researching the impact of hie threat to go bankrupt to hurt me, he came back on Thursday eating humble pie! On Tuesday after I questioned him he claimed to have done his research on the bankrupcty idea but the look on his face when I said to him that they would take his car made it very clear he had not done his research at all. In fact in that conversation it was ok for the trustee to take his car but not ok for him to sell it himself and downgrade so he could in fact help us out of this financial mess. It was frustrating. I told him to go see the accountant himself. Two nights later he rocked up eating humble pie! I have since been wondering what his real motivation was.

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Well what can I say to start this off? I am separated but connected. Connected by the mortgage document my ex and myself signed a number of years ago. And darn it we have still not sold the house! It has been 3 months, we’ve lowered the price but until it sells neither of us can really get on with our lives. Add to that that our financial ‘arrangement’ is not working fairly and yep I am really fed up. (more…)

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