Wasn’t I expected to solve my own and everyone else’s problems, have all the answers, and support the behavior patterns, no matter how destructive?  How could I keep my family together?

Yes I have felt like this  – the responsible one. So responsible in fact I have a history of exhausting myself and getting lost in that exhaustion. My care of self diminished. My love for others sees me so consumed loving them there is not much left for me. They say you should get back what you give, but when that doesn’t happen you know you are in a destructive place and something needs to be done. The serenity prayer helped me to come to terms with the need to have to courage to accept the things I could change, recognise those I could not and the wisdom to know the difference. I can not change the behaviour of others – I need only look at myself. So all that giving had to be turned back to me. I needed to solve my problems, find my answers, examine and adjust my behaviour patterns and if the family dymanics altered because of that then maybe that is the way it is meant to be.

…The answer lies not in letting go of people but in letting go of my outworn, painful thinking patterns.  I can replace them with honesty, openness and willingness to change into a more positive person.”

I let go of the belief that things could get better, than one day I would be heard, that one day I might even be asked, without judgement or argument, what it I that I wanted; that if and when I had the courage to say what I wanted I was actually going to be heard and respected. I had to realise that I was consumed by my thinking, my fears, my doubts, the distrust – and not co-existing with faith, openness, honesty, and love. When everything you think, say or do starts to be based on how the other might be thinking or feeling, you have given over too much of yourself – you live for them, not yourself. These are painful thinking patterns. They need to stop.

If we love someone and have made a conscious decision to keep that person in our lives it seems anti productive to “let go” of them.  Truly we don’t let go of love for them and most times not the person.  We come to understand that loving is more than what we understood love to be.  Loving is an action.  What we let go of is our limited understanding of what love is.  Love is not control.  Love is not fixing.  Have you ever been fixed? or controlled?  Do your emotions tell you this is a good thing?  This control is the theme of adolescence.  We know looking at the power struggle between parents and children that it doesn’t feel good on either end.  We let go of our children by allowing them to live their lives and love them more for it.  What we want that is most important is not most important to someone with an addiction. Their goal is different.  Their goal is to eliminate the pain either physically, mentally or emotionally, usually easiest things first. We all function that way.

What we want is most important. This is not most important to a person suffering and addiction problem.  – this goes both for the addict  and the one who loves them. The one who loves them must decide what is most important – for them. Loving ourselves is taking control for ourselves. This is letting go, with love. It is not easy – it creates a need for change – big change. It creates the need to look inside self and ask the question what do I want, what is good for me? It takes  courage to make a conscious decision to put self first when you tend naturally to want to help and love others – when you are raised to consider the thoughts and feelings of others before your own. You have to find the courage to relearn the meaning of the word selfish. If you do not put what is most important for you first you end up so ill that you are of now help to anyone. You need to reset your boundaries and start again. This takes stepping back, retreating. I means saying enuff. Leave me be. Let me rethink and refocus; I will leave loved ones to God, I have the courage to accept what I cannot change.

Letting go has made me look at my boundaries. Letting go gives me the space, courage and selfrespect to examine my boundaries and shore them up. It isn’t easy but one day at a time I am once again finding my lost self and strengthening those boundaries.

Honesty, openeness, trust, mutual respect. If I give these core values to others – I expect them back. I accept not everyone can do that – but I will find peaceful coexistence with those who can.

On numerous occasions in the last 12 months there have been times when maybe I should have put my foot down and had the hissy fit. Maybe I could learn something from my feisty eldest daughter – I don’t think she handles issues well sometimes but I have to admire her for fighting back and not submitting, caving in, giving up, giving way.

I had love, I had a dream, I had hope that things would work out. But I was confronted by the ‘cunning, baffling and powerful’ impact of a disease. My boundaries shifted to the point that I did not know where they were anymore.

Recently I came across this post on setting boundaries and it pretty much says all that needs to be said – it discusses the need, the fear, the difficulty or resetting those boundaries.

I had found myself once again buried by feelings of powerlessness, of being unheard, of not being nurtured – I was doing the nurturing. And the lesson I have not yet learned it seems is to nurture myself first.

I have learned something through all of this. Drinking can be an incredibly huge problem. It can lead to alcoholism and alcoholism comes in many forms. According to the definitions provided by AA and the AMA ‘It is characterized by continuous or periodic: impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial .”

Denial is used here not only in the psychoanalytic sense of a single psychological defense mechanism disavowing the significance of events, but more broadly to include a range of psychological maneuvers designed to reduce awareness of the fact that alcohol use is the cause of an individual’s problems rather than a solution to those problems. Denial becomes an integral part of the disease and a major obstacle to recovery.

This denial does not only involve the sufferer, the one who drinks; it is also with those who they love. They struggle until they get to a point where they have to say enuff. The serenity prayer helps keep them focussed on looking after themselves.

by sdixclifford on Flikr

I keep telling myself – if I am not well I am no good to anyone.  I have a job and career I love. I have parents who need some of my time and attention. I have maturing daughters who still needs my emotional support and encouragement. I have to be well.

I took myself to Al Anon and have worked to embrace step one: Step 1 is “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

It was scary, but I did it. Now I am truly grateful that I did. I think I am still working on this step. But the fact I made a start has made a difference. Dealing with this disease is emotionally exhausting. Confronting denial is frightening and emotionally exhausting. I have had to make a stand and pull up. I have said enuff. I have now put in my boundaries, and need the strength to keep them in place. I am grateful to friends, family, counsellors and my Al anon sponsor for helping me to do this, for helping me to see I am no crazy.

For more information on how or if dis-ease of addiction if affecting you try these questions and ask yourself if you need to step back and look after yourself. Al-Anon or AA won’t give you all the answers, but it will give you the support and encouragement, the love and understanding you need. If you perhaps suffer an addictive disease yourself – look at the twenty questions from AA and in both cases, really challenge the denial. I believe the denial is the worst aspect of the dis-ease.

Is Al Anon for you.

Twenty Questions AA

May your Higher Power as you see him or her bless all those affected by the disease of alcoholism and give you the willingness, strength, courage and power to put yourself in their hands to overcome it.

Oh…and a twitter search for #AA and #alanon will lead you to some great recovery blogs:)

I had something, I had a dream, I had hope, I grasped true pure happiness, if only for a brief moment.

I loved the man of my  life in the last two years deeply. I would like to say it was unconditionally but I think that is the province of the children. I wanted to be able to do it unconditionally – but a little hurt grew and there was another hurt, and then another. I found myself once again buried by feelings of powerlessness, of being unheard, of not being free to be me or the person I can be. I wasn’t being nurtured – I was doing the nurturing . And the lesson I have not yet learned it seems is to nurture myself first.

I have learned something though – a lot. He is a good man, a wonderful person. He made me laugh. He showed me love. He was passionate. He is feeling remorse for deeds of the pass – suffering from them even. He could be firm and kind, even tolerant, just like me. But he suffered the problems of drinking and all that goes with it. Alcoholism – that insidious sneaky revolting affliction that is affecting so many people, so many lives, so many good things in the world. He has a real battle on his hands. I did what I could to help but I am drained.  Al Anon teaches that alcoholism is a family disease – they are right. It affects all of us, screws with our minds and lives. In order to get well we need to look after ourselves one day at a time. This is what I will do.

I have also learned that to stop drinking is not enough to deal with the issues of alcoholism – there is a whole lot more very painful work ahead for a recovering alcoholic. Not having a drink is just the first baby step – not the resolution. Letting go of someone going through such a struggle so you can stay well yourself  is damn hard – you have to be firm, even cold. You have to be consistent. You are not giving up on them but that’s what they think you are doing – they are selfish when you feel guilty and selfish yourself for saying I need to look after me.

I keep telling myself – if I am not well I am no good to anyone. I still have one child at home I am responsible for. I have a job and career I love. I have parents who need some of my time and attention. I have a maturing adult daughter who still needs my emotional support and encouragement. I have to be well. Hell I cannot even be a friend to my ex partner who is suffering from that insidious condition if I cannot be strong and firm.

God speed my love – give yourself up to your higher power – you will find a way, as I will.

Tonight is a celebration of just how serious Jodie was and the whirlwind journey of success she has had so far.
Jodie is going to ONO Japan. She is doing this because she has put in the work necessary to get there. She did the research and we made the choice of AFS as her exchange program in terms of her desire to go to Japan and the value of the price. She then kept me on my toes organising the application, the doctors medical, the passports, and the other paperwork that came in. She kept her promise to self study Japanese and has attended classes with Mina twice a week in order to be as prepared as she can be for the language and customs of Japan. She kept up with her high quality school performance and even took school seriously this year – much to the amusement of her fellow students. Jodie took on full responsibility for the whole process. All I had to do was support her with information and the fees needed, and sign the paperwork.

Saying goodbye

I was a really proud mum when we got the news she had been accepted. Jodie and I both thought she had applied too late for scholarship for Japan, but Bev – the AFS rep who interviewed her felt otherwise and put her name in. Jodie’s resume, performance on interview and school reports have served her well as she was selected for scholarship with Mimi Japan. This was a stroke of luck for us and made making the trip for Jodie even more possible for us.
Lots of people have asked me am I sad? Am I going to miss her? Are you worried? The answer to all of these questions is yes – of course. I am her mum. The world is big and scary. Jodie is wonderful company and I will miss hearing her sitting at her computer with her headphones on laughing at something. I will miss her non stop chatter when she gets on a topic she is passionate about. BUT…to dwell on these things is to be negative and to say I am sad would in fact be a lie.

Thankyou

I am not consumed at all by the feelings of sadness that Jodie will not be here for 11 months – I am consumed much more by the pride I feel in her going as an ambassador of this country, and by the excitement and anticipation I see in her eyes and heart. I am extremely excited for Jodie – I remember very well how I felt when I climbed aboard a plane for the first time in my life and flew right across the globe to a country where I did not speak the language or know and understand the culture. The impact of that experience on me as a person is immeasurable and enduring, and I am boyed by the hope that the excitement, the development of maturity and the memories of Jodies trip for her will be just as wonderful. How can I be sad about that really??
So lets not all stand here in sadness and say farewell Jodie. Let’s be excited and proud about Jodies courage, Jodie’s drive, Jodies ambition. Let’s be excited about the fact that other people in the world have faith in her to do a good job as an ambassador for Australia. Lets celebrate Jodie’s success and wish her a whole lot more during the next 11 months. Jodie – I will miss you, Mick will miss you, Amy will miss you – your dad will miss you. But we are all very very proud of you and I for one am very excited that you are heading off on this great adventure. On behalf of your family I wish you the very best of luck.

Miss A found herself in a trail of emotionally unhealthy environments culminating in living with a girlfriend who was more interested in partying and boys so when I offered for her to come home – on conditions which included counselling – she was quick to agree. I was scared, concerned that on an emotional level this would be hard work (and it has been) and that I needed to tread carefully to rebuild a positive relationship with her while guiding her with a firm hand. So far fingers crossed so good. I get loads of  support from my new partner and virtually little more than scorn from Miss A’s father. When I told him she had had agreed to go back to school he smirked, scoffed and said ‘good luck’. I responded – ‘Well that’s being a supportive father isn’t it’…he apologised but the damage was done. The sooner he is less in my life the better!

Anyway, Miss A needs lots of support and encouragement which she is now getting. She is not only getting it from me but also from my family (the ex’s family are too mad at her for leaving her dads care to give her much time of day – it IS sad!) and from the teachers at school. Fingers crossed all will go well in 2009 as I help her through her final year in school and the topsy turvey world of teen relationships. I sincerely hope I can maintain my own emotional sanity through that time!

(Click the tag teenage girls to see how this journey has gone if you are new to the story)

Check out those Biceps…oops I digress….

Craig Harper and Enuff

Sooo….where do I start…He blew me away with some very clear messages that once again have been very timely…I am entering a new stage in life – a new partner(Mick) , and in less than six months I am likely to be truly ‘alone’ as my second child wings it to Japan for 12 months on exchange. Mick has entered my life just at the right time I think – but it does mean I need to reassess things – to go from being single to being in a serious relationship. Scary stuff!

Ok…so there you have the context…a long way from where I was when I first started this blog. the black dog of depression has made a noise once or twice but I have managed to keep it well tethered!

Ok…I am the biggest barrier to my own life…true enough! That was the first thing I wrote down. Am I prepared to do the things I need to do to make a better life for me? Hell yes….Consistently??? Oh dear…lol. Craig’s message was very clear to me – I had read it all before…this time I heard it. And I could not escape some of the things I had avoided like looking seriously at my physical health and addressing the fact that I am one of the 85% of Australians who have a gym membership and don’t actually use it…I am good with the excuses for not going!

I am not going to tackle the supposed barriers which are little more than excuses here but I will take a minute to review the real ones and see how they affect me:

1. We don’t consistently apply what we know – damn…I know I don’t. I don’t regularly exercise, I don’t consistently keep my house as tidy as I like (yes it makes me feel good) and I don’t make any serious effort to quit the smoking.

2. Attitude – OK..generally my attitude is pretty good – but obviously my attutude to exercise is not…and that does need to change. I really don’t get into it…so here I do have to get out of my comfortable instant gratification state and do something about it…( I have noted here also how true this attitude thing is for my work…try teaching yr 12′s with an inappropriate attutude to ‘doing’ some work!)

3. Apathy and laziness - guilty once again on the exercise and smoking front…there seems to be a recurring theme here doesn’t there!  Oh and I have to push myself to do some of my work as a teacher…you know – the corrections …ugh! Sometimes I wish I could do all the teaching without the assessment – but then I would never know how I am going would I???

4. Fear – oh dear….two things I fear most – confrontation is one – I have already written about that – and a fear that for all intents and purposes seems to be based on a limiting belief that if I quit smoking I will crash with depression – experience has led me to that belief….it needs addressing and it will take some time.

5. Procrastination - seems I am procrastinating over the exercise thing…gosh! And the quitting smoking…no day will be a good day to start that but I am waiting……

6. Ignorance – well I really am in the know for most things….it’s what I do with that knowledge that seems to be the problem.

7. Poor Planning – guilty of that on a financial front, and my stress levels go up when I don’t plan…so I need to be more regular about giving myself some planning time and I definately need a financial plan!

8. Overthinking...I suspect I am doing this in a number of ways – especially with the new relationship…I just need to go with the flow a bit.

the participants at the workshop

9. Low standards – yep – on the health front – it is ok I smoke (but it should not be), I don’t push too hard when I do exercise, I still eat sometimes food too often, I cut corners with housework and am not always as thorough as I could be…what to spend my very valuable time on seems to have suffered with a great deal of mediocrity.

10. Don’t finish what we start….that damn gym membership…the unfinished cross stitches and patchwork quilts, this blog – well I am back at it I guess!

11. Lack of discipline and self control – way out there when I get a few drinks in ….but seriously yes I can do better here once again with the exercise! Maybe I need a Mr Bald Guy of my own?

12. Negative emotions - oh oh!!! Bitterness, resentment, anger…still lurk especially when I have encounters with the Ex Hubby. Let the go??? How??? I know they are a waste of energy and when I recognise what I am doing I tell myself to put the claws back in…but it takes a lot of work.

13. Lack of clarity and certainty for what I want – well that’s why I have been to the seminar and why I now have Craigs workbook to go through!

OK….That’s it in a nutshell – recurring theme – look after my health! Exercise…and get serious about quitting smoking – that is scary…

Ok I have done some homework…where is the cheesecake???

the lovely bald guy

The lovely Bald guy Johnny – he really does keep Craig Organised.

Ok…if you want to know more go read up on Craig’s Website

OH and the first 10 minutes of that inspirational chat is here

When your cup is full — stop pouring. Sip on what you’ve got in there for a bit. If you get to the bottom and there’s not another drop in sight… Well, go wash your cup.

It comes from this blog: Shift your Spirits

It is timely as I head to that part of my working year when there really is not enough time to do and be all I think I should be. I think i am going to ban should from my vocab. I have come across this idea before. Should is debilitating, some demand to be better, do better than we already are. Ok…I should go get ready for work now…woops…I think that one is ‘must’ I know there is more on this topic I could write too. But no, I will leave that for another time and go wash my cup for now.

At work I have only been missing only for appointments which could not be made outside of work hours and one ‘mental health day’ which was used to get on top of assessments rather than spend it in bed. It was a very stressful start to the school year with changes in class arrangements, lack of leadership in the English department and so on but all has now settled down and a routine is finally established. Teaching 2 Yr 12 classes is a real challenge and the fact I have been allocated them says a lot about how well my employer thinks I can now do my job. I think I am meeting those expectations fairly well…but I still have not worked out how to get more of those students to put English at the top of their pile of work:)

Weight wise I still feel stagnant at 65-67 kilos but I am getting a little fitter. I find my commitment here waxes and wanes with work stress and lack of self discipline. Been giving myself a good talking to – finding a balance between time socialising (often at social network sites), eating properly (which means cooking properly) and attending gym to get the good endorphins from exercise is something that is still a challenge…I do get very lazy.

Sometimes we need to readjust what we have committed to. I have a history of over committing….at work I put in extra for some kids and some school events, in the community at this time of year I volunteer for the local Scout Gangshow and this all goes on top of the busiest school term of the year and the onset of winter. I know what to do. Some things will just have to miss out for a while. Salsa dance classes will get less commitment. The social network sites will get less of my time. The priorities for the way I use my time have changed as they should to find the right balance between work, rest and play. Today marks the beginning of a slightly altered routine. They say if it isn’t working change the routine…change the steps…move to different music. I know that works…I am about to change the steps and see if that helps and prevents me from burning out over the next very busy 10 weeks. At the end of that I hope to come back and see if I have in fact managed it all as well as I know imagine I can.

Recently through Craig Harper I have found an accountability partner. I hope through this I will stay plenty motivated. On top of this I have Greg, Greg, Ian, Michael, Darren, Peter, Georgina, Dave, Sharon and a number of others who I communicate with online at various times who also help me get through tough times. Plus supportive workmates and family. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone closer to me to be a support but given that 12 months ago I felt there was no-one at all save my mum I could turn to, I have done well in building a social network.

There is no formula for dragging you out of deep and dark depression…it does take time, and effort, and reflection. If something is not working, change it. If something works well keep doing it while it works. Take the time to check up every few months when you think you are well – and look back on what has been achieved rather than focus on what has not. I have been of late remonstrating about the weight, about too much time spent on the net, about not cooking and eating properly but remonstrating did not fix it. I need to do it. But I am also pleased to have revisited some earlier posts and thought well things are different.

I still have a rocky time with the eldest, and with the ex. But I am moving on in plenty of ways and will keep on moving.

I just can’t say it much better - I have covered this topic before, so I won’t ad…except to say yes this is important6 for my journey of confrontation!

Enuff!