Ok..I fess – I am in awe of Craig Harper his style, his manner, his writing, his whole site….and now he has thrown down a challenge I cannot ignore – the Get your shot together challenge’. See…(assuming you took took that link!) no airy fairy nice as pie language from this motivator – he is funny, brutally honest and expects the exact same from his readers. Well, In the last months if you have been following on with me you will know I have made major life decisions, and there are moments when I wonder if I have made the right choice. It’s time for me to move on, having learned from these experiences so it is time to stop dwelling on what happened, get my shit together and move on!
Back in April I was a complete mess, having suicidal thoughts. I was convinced I was a basket case. A psychologist assessing me said – nothing wrong with you – you just need to deal with confrontation. Light bulb went on. All my life (well not true – but that’s how I remember it) I was this ‘don’t rock the boat and upset other people’ person. Dr Phil talks about this in ‘Self matters’ if you ever get a hold of it. I am on my way through that now and it leads generally to the same point. Time to take power back in my life, like myself, and be focussed on what I want and need. This is not selfishness – thats different – this is about being true to myself – and because I didn’t rock the boat for so long I lost ‘me’ somewhere in there and I dwelled on some very negative moments in my life that I have used to ‘blame’ for where I was. I didn’t recognise I had choices and STILL DO.
I had ‘made my bed’ so I had to lie in it warts and all. There was no choice but to suffer the consequences. Crappola! I have finally had enough courage to say enuff to that! I have made a choice – no more of this soul destroying marriage for me.
I was severely overweight – tried all kinds of diets over the years but have finally figured the pattern was related to how much I liked or disliked myself and what kind of emotional burdens I was under. Since removing myself from a negative and unsatisfying marriage my weight has literally dropped away. No magic here – two important things.
1. The weight was maintained by high emotional stress levels. I removed myself from the stress and my body stopped storing the fat. I found a spring in my step i forgot was there.
2. I started looking after myself and ate properly once I got the other side of being totally cut emotionally. I actually cook meals and prepare lunches.
I am still overweight for my height but by 9 kilos instead of 29. Now I have to work at it -incredibly I have the confidence I can.
I did not exercise. I was ‘too busy’ being mum, wife and worker. Very unfit. Not healthy. Walking, gym and the like don’t really cut it for me – they bore me. I have rediscovered my passion for dancing though. I still don’t have an exercise regime. But have begun inquiries about dancing lessons – rock n roll and ballroom might be the go. I also am moving house…walking to work just may get a shot. I need to decide just how to tackle this one. This will be part of the challenge.
I was not a good person if I did not meet everyone else’s expectations of me…and I still suffer this on an almost daily basis in the form of ’someone will not approve’. Hell what is this woman, aged in her forties doing out there on the dance floor in a stunning red dress dancing with anyone prepared to dance with her think she is doing??? Damn it..why do I worry so much? I was HAVING FUN at last! What kind of mother am I to let my teenage daughter out of the house wearing a skimpy top that shows off boobs and belly and skimpy shorts that just simply do not look nice and attractive? Damn it – I did try to teach her dress sense – if she chooses to look that way its her choice not mine. I don’t dress her anymore and no I did not buy her those clothes either. I am not going to worry what others say anymore. How dare I pull the pin on a 20 year old marriage?….I am now persona non gratis for my FIL becuase I (all by myself) ruined a ‘perfectly good’ marriage. Ok he’s upset – and he forgets it takes 2. He’s not in my cheer squad – but many others are. So I have to stop obsessing about that too. I keep reminding myself…I am not going to live a lie anymore.
I also smoke. Big issues in even trying to give up here. For a long time I was convinced that would be totally impossible- I was struggling on a daily basis to function emotionally. My history of giving up is littered with memories of ‘not good enough’, failure, sadness and overwhelming deeper depression. I already have the depression, I already felt like a failure – I didn’t want to give up smoking and make it worse. Now I think I may have the courage to do so…but it is last on my list of getting my shit together. I got some other serious bad habits to break first…including wanting to look after me rather than ignore me and spend all my time looking after everyone else. Once I can do that quitting will be on my hit list. No Craig, this is not an excuse…a delay yes…but it’s simply not on my gunna do list yet. I am sure it will get there eventually…if I am gonna like – no love - myself I am going to have to quit. It will be unavoidable.
I have in the last few weeks been stuck and frustrated by forces beyond my control. I have had to maintain this monster of a house I live in and delay the building of a new ‘home’ as no-one was making offers to buy the house. That thank heavens is finally over. Someone bought it. I can now move on – I can go find a smaller house and rebuild a ‘home’ for myself and my other daughter. (The elder who thinks she can set her own rules when under 18 years of age has moved out because I am too ‘pushy’ in being mum…I actually stood my ground, did not please or appease her, and she decided to go live with the boyfriend or with dad. She doesn’t like me anymore…but if I am to be authentic my values are at the forefront of my decision making and house rules and I have to stick to my guns. She’s happy -for now - thats what matters to me most. ) So I do have a challenge in the next few weeks to rebuild a ‘home’ and life that is more akin to the authentic me.
Craig…that is my get off the couch and do something challenge – to build a new nest to nurture myself for once in my life.
Well, you’re doing great Jenny, a lot better than me (presently). But being where I am is OK, today, tomorrow’s another day (also OK to say/think, as long as it’s at the END of the day!) One of the toughest people to forgive is always yourself. But you just have to bear in mind, that, not in a BAD way, fixing YOU, is selfish business, you get to UN-learn all that stuff you THOUGHT was so self-LESS, begin to see that it wasn’t, and isn’t.This comment, for instance, is as much for ME as it is for YOU, I have to go back to introspection, to recall ALL those lessons I learned, and managed to push to the back of my mind along with the guilt, of doing what I KNOW to be the WRONG thing for me.It wasn’t always that way, it took nearly 30 years to build my wall of denial, smashing through it, brick by brick, isn’t going to happen overnight. And “I’VE” go to understand, there’ll be setbacks along the way, but I remember too, all of the work I DID, though I’m IN a setback, didn’t go away, it’s just a matter of shaking out the cobwebs, remembering WHICH state of mind will get me where I want to be. Somewhere along the way, my goals blurred, for a lot of reasons, those aren’t important either. Just those goals, and dreams, realistically, what can I accomplish in x amt of time, brainstorming’s ok too, as long as you realize that 80 – 90% of it’s the unrealistic stuff, so I don’t put my expectations there, as I’m more likely to set myself up to fail.
Hope I made sense,
Dave