Stonewalled by a teenager

Are you a parent with a 17 something teenage daughter that thinks she has the man of her dreams in her life and who bends the rules at every opportunity…I am and sad to say but I have had to bring to the fore tough love – problem it’s it feels tough on me too. I know in the long run this is for our benefit, but gee it is hard. Miss 17 currently thinks I am being unfair and unreasonable and is attempting to manipulate me with the idea that she can choose to live where she likes. So be it – but I am not changing my rules if she lives with me.

I have a job to do – I am a mum. Aside from love, support, provide for (feed and clothe) and educate my children I need to set boundaries. The rope that keeps them in check is to be gradually let out as they grow and mature, and a certain element of ‘what you can do in my house’ exists as they get older. Lately Miss 17 has been tugging that rope big time.

She thinks she is all grown up…but I am still waking her for school in the mornings as she is not taking that responsibility for herself. I have put my foot down and said not good enuff if you want to be independent at college next year when i won’t be there to get you to class on time – fix it. be responsible.

She thinks she ‘needs’ a mate, a boyfriend. She had one – a bad one – it was over and she refocused on career and school. She had learned something. Then she rekindled a friendship with an old beau who did the wrong thing by her and he is now her boyfriend again. I was mad – not with the boyfriend – with her. In 6 months she leaves to go to college, a boyfriend is not a good idea. We’ve had this conversation many times and I thought she understood. She doesn’t. She claims to need him because he makes her feel good and needed and wanted. (I have to stop myself from adding and I don’t? )

So…I calmed, I said it’s your life and your choice – if you must have a boyfriend so be it. This guy isn’t that bad, and is polite and friendly around me. I made him welcome. I have accepted the relationship. they are sexually active – I have accepted that too. But I have house rules:

1. No sex in my house till you are 18- Implies no bed sharing here at home.

2. Always tell me where you are going, and be home by midnight.

3. School is more important than the boyfriend.

4. The chores must be done.

5. Don’t invite them (whoever they are) over at short notice and expect me to feel good about having to find enough to feed another mouth.

6. There is a time and place for smooching – all night long on my loungeroom floor in front of me is not it.

Ok…so within a week we have had an overnight ‘camp with friends’ – We don’t need Eisenstein to help us work out what that was about. I let her go – with blessings. No point in fighting the fact she is sexually active and I do happen to trust that she is not into drugs and alcohol…she is into intimacy.

Then on Saturday he was going out for dinner. But he came here before the dinner. She encouraged me to go out and have fun – as she has done – he was back here from his dinner before I left – that meant I had to trust her home alone with him. I did. I gave her the chance. When I got home ‘They’ were asleep on my spare bed – she under the covers, him on top – and it was 3am. I had no real choice but to leave them there. I woke them up, teased them, made sure he on top was warm, and left them. I know the stats for young drivers at 3 am and could not send him home. I could have forced them to separate rooms – but well what was the point in that they had ‘fallen asleep’ for 3 hours already. Sigh…Next day I informed her very firmly that she was not to expect it to be OK for that to happen again. She was stretching the rules to suit herself – the fact they may or may not have had sex was not the issue. he did not have my permission to sleep over in the same bed as her. She did not need him to keep her company on the other occassions I have gone out late so she does not need it now surely. (More on this later)

The next night he was over again – invited at short notice for tea.

The next night he wanted to come back and watch a show on a channel he does not have – the expectation he would be fed was there again.

The next night she announces ‘he is coming over’. I put my foot down – not till after tea. I started advocating she does not need to see him every night. She claims she does. The of course we argue about balance and having time to herself. I gave up. Might as well talk to a brick. he came after tea.

The next night he came for a visit but did not come inside. When she came in she claimed he said he was not comfortable coming in. Hogwash – alarm bells rang – what had she been saying to him? My issue was not with him but with her and her demands to have him over every night in our family space, my space, now she was trying to make me feel guilty.Then to top that off – she announced she was going to talk to dad – more attempts to manipulate. I am not up for that game either.

Of course we got all the excuses too…I don’t have homework to do so he is not interrupting anything. I need to see him every night. I love you mum had become I don’t like you and your rules.

The next morning was a classic. She is on a diet, about to do a deb and her dress was too tight. She had not managed to get enough weight off because she would not let go of her favourites coke and takeaway so while she was good some of the time she did not put in the change of attitude and mindset necessary to truly get her weight off. We got drastic and went on a rapid fire weight loss program to get off those kilos so she can wear the dress comfortably. She has whined and complained, promising herself takeaway and coke after the deb as a reward (sigh- I know – check this out and you will see what I mean. Anyway, she wanted to go out for dinner. My response was because of your diet (and the money and energy I am investing in supporting you in this) that is not a good idea. Her response was to ask if she can cook dinner on Friday night. I said yes – gladly. She said something about bringing the restaurant home – that’s ok. I like dining out – hopefully it will be something special. So I am asking her what she wants to cook for Friday night so I can make sure she has her ingredients. She says ‘I’ll use the leftover stew you made’.

‘Huh? There won’t be enough for all of us.’

‘I was only cooking for him.’

(never mind that using a meal I have in the freezer is not really cooking….!!!)

Then I twigged – and was in serious emotional pain. She wanted to cook a romantic dinner for two and operated on the assumption I would clear out and give her space, and she could cut corners by using a nice meal I had prepared so I wouldn’t have to be there to show her what to do or help out!!! That was the straw that broke the camels back – so you will have me at home eating whatever I cook for myself while you prepare a special dinner of something I cooked for you and him??? Hang on…Who lives in this house? What normally happens when you take on the cooking job? What is she thinking??? If I had known she was going to do this she would have been told no – but she can cook for everyone not a problem. Really!! She assumed I would get ‘takeway’ like I always do – a very incorrect assumption, and she never bothered to ask me what my plans were. Miss 17 at the center of the universe.

The next night I spoke with the counselor. She reinforced my resolve to reinforce my house rules. I also needed to do this with both of them. The boyfriend was spoken to alone – don’t know what she has told you but the rules are for her benefit. He claimed to have calmed her down and encourage her to put school before him. I believe he did. She said something like that. But the message has not got through. She insisted on seeing dad last night. I guessed it was about ‘can I come live with you’. I was right – she is thinking about where she is going to live.

With them together I laid down the house rules in basic form. I have a job to do and the rules are based on this. if you don’t want these rules, thats fine, live somewhere else. If you live somewhere else I will not be there to run you around, go buy the things you need for school yada yada. I think she got the picture. She didn’t like it. I also informed her she has a better deal than most 17 year olds I teach. She would not concede that point either. She did concede that her claim the boyfriend did not feel comfortable to come inside to talk was her spin and not his words – and then she stomped off in tears. I had made my point that manipulation was not behaviour I would tolerate and her attempt to make me feel guilty was unfair.

So…the boyfriend went to calm her down. He did to some degree and told me he could see where I was coming from. But, She came out with a packed bag -off to the boyfriends house to clear her head and talk more. She was not comfortable here. No wonder – mum has rules she doesn’t like. Mum sets boundaries she thinks are unreasonable. She thinks life will be better with someone else – and sure it will – for a while. Then I’ll probably have to pick up the pieces.

I really have not enjoyed being the mistress of my own home this week. It has been really hard on an emotional level. I would love to let her have what she wants but I would not be doing my job as mum if I gave her the instant gratification of having everything she wants now. It’s time she learned what compromise is about, that manipulation of the truth will come back and bite you on the bum (the ‘dinner’) and playing the game of Dad vs Mum vs boyfriend won’t work. She can live where she likes with my blessing, but if she lives here there are rules. Not totally inflexible, but not to be manipulated to meet her needs either.

Enuff!

There is a followup to this story here