Taking a small step to express my anger

When I was a child I was not allowed to express my anger at what I perceived to be injustice or unfairness. If I did, I was accused of being ungrateful. I had to be ‘good’ and it was somehow my fault if I was bad and I was never able to day something or even think something that would upset mum. ‘you should not think like that’, ‘don’t hurt other peoples feelings’. Well that has led to a whole range of keeping thoughts and feelings to myself till in a fit of deep depression and rage they all come spilling out. If i spoke my mind, hurt someone or got caught doing something wring, especially lying i would even have a full on physical response – the hot flush.

So…I am on my way to mending this and I made what for me was a big step some time ago. (I wrote this at the time but just discovered it in my drafts and not yet published – oops!)  My husband is a chronic liar. I have always dismissed it as machoism, bullshit, tall stories, but essentially it is not being honest. It has always guiled me but since I learned to repress my anger I could never let him know I thought he was talking crap, that I didn’t like it, or comment on what it said about his lack of integrity. I am for some reason proud of my integrity and the fact that I am honest and do not lie. So…there has been this constant silent war going on between the two of us – my integrity and tell no lies approach to life vs his say what you think other people want to hear to make you look good approach. Hmmm..a real conflict there. In this silent war, I get depressed because I do not express my anger. I don’t know how to as I was taught it was a bad emotion, an inappropriate one and one that hurts those who love you. What a dilemma!

In a conversation between my mother and myself, my husband butted in (usual) and declared we as a couple did not do love bites (hickeys). It was a lie. An out and out lie to make us look good in the eyes of my mum. My response – for the first time in I don’t know how long was automatic – ‘Don’t lie!’. There – I had challenged him, confronted him over a pissy little lie – but it was the first step. I had the courage to say my peace, to point out his lack of honesty instead of swallowing it so it can eat me up inside. Further to that I said it in front of my mum who had belittled him so much when we were younger that I would never challenge him in front of her to save him that embarassment and me the admission that perhaps mum was right about how not good (enough) he was. (read my first post).

So…I have made a first step – albeit a small one. the next question a counsellor would ask is how did that feel? Liberating! A big YES! fist in the air ‘I did it’ kind of response. Anyone would think I had just won the 100m freestyle for women! After being so clammed up for so many years, it was so nice to have the courage to say to him do not lie.

After that of course I had to let the guilt pass through – I expected he was feeling embarrassed, angry at me for pointing out his lie in front of mum, etc etc. But he is 47 and if he cannot reflect honestly on how he (we) behaved as a young lover at this age well….what hope is there for my almost 17 year old daughter! She is honest, truthful, and never punished for telling us things we do not like to hear. I am realistic about how she is behaving – as I say to her I don’t have to like it – but I do want her to be truthful. I always thank her for being honest and sharing with me – and she feels safe enough to come and ask me pretty much anything as a result. No judgement – just truth. She knows I don’t like to see her hickies and I have asked her to be discreet. Enuff said. No need to pretend you do not (did not) do them as a young person yourself.