The Chameleon

A Chameleon is a changeable, fickle, or inconstant person. That’ my ex. After the tirade of abuse I got on Sunday, and again on Tuesday after I went researching the impact of hie threat to go bankrupt to hurt me, he came back on Thursday eating humble pie! On Tuesday after I questioned him he claimed to have done his research on the bankrupcty idea but the look on his face when I said to him that they would take his car made it very clear he had not done his research at all. In fact in that conversation it was ok for the trustee to take his car but not ok for him to sell it himself and downgrade so he could in fact help us out of this financial mess. It was frustrating. I told him to go see the accountant himself. Two nights later he rocked up eating humble pie! I have since been wondering what his real motivation was.

Did he really think bankruptcy would hurt me? After looking into it I saw that yes it would make life difficult but there’s nothing I have that they can ‘take away’. I don’t want the house. I don’t have a valuable car. I want a life of no debt and that’s exactly what I would get. (As well as a life of truth and integrity) He would lose both house and car which symbolise success in life to him. His pride would  be even more damaged than it is now, and the biggest symbol of that pride is his precious you beaut bright red ute. They would take it and give him enough to get a replacement vehicle. Seriously, the look on his face when he realised he would loose that was priceless. He had not done his ‘research’ at all. Of course, because I had suggested he sell it to save himself I was accused of wanting to take him right down. That’s crap. He is the one wanting more of his pitiful income to himself than me. He needs to meet all of his financial obligations not just his child support.

So I went ahead and put in my claims for child support.

Trust level that he would meet his financial obligations – zero.

Trust level that he will not verbally abuse me again, finger point or attempt to intimidate me – zero.

In fact I decided that next time he does this I will be reporting his abusive behaviour to the police. I am not going to be intimidated or threatened or blamed for the mess we are in. He was positively viscious and probably close to hitting me.

Two nights later he came in and requested to speak to me. The tone was respectful – but his actions were not.

He apologised for his behaviour, he offered to cut back his spending, he decided to sell something of value to help get us through (and no it was not the you beaut red ute), he also offered to cover all of the money we owe his father and relieve me of that debt. This was over the top generous. He acknowledged his trust in me not to leave him without essential like medication and food. He said he would discuss how much he pays in rent to his mate. As he was leaving he offered to load my car with something without being asked (hasn’t done that in ages) and at the end of it all when I asked him to thank the person he had spoken with who had turned on the lightbulb in his head (I did not use those words) he claimed to have realised it all by himself. His behaviour was getting him nowehere so he had to change. Using his favourite word of the moment I thought ‘bullshit’!

Okay…so he was making far more concessions and promises than I expected. I had told him he was wrong about me, that I was not vicious or vindictive and he took advantage of that too. His behaviour lacked all that one might expect if he was truly sorry and truly being respectful of me and the family. He arrived right as I was serving tea, walked in without knocking, did not ask if it was a good time, did not observe that his timing was lousy as I was dishing up tea to guests not just family. In front of friends I had little option but to oblige him with his request for a chat. As we walked to the front door I gave him mail that had come for him. He read that as he apologised. Then he repeated the apology without distraction requesting I ‘look’ him ‘in the eye.’ (That’s my line!)

At the conclusion of the apology and a short amicable chat I told him I had to get moving. I was dishing up dinner, had guests and actually needed to leave in half an hour to go and do something. He said he hadn’t had dinner yet and asked if there was enough for him. He invited himself! Miss ‘not vicious or vindictive’ could not say no. So in he came and got the last plateful available. Bloody cheeky! When he left he opened his arms expecting a hug! That was even worse. As if I am able to take him at his word now and forgive him just like that! I accepted his apology, but forgiveness won’t happen.

Like I said – his talk is one thing – his actions another. I wondered at his true motivation. He wasn’t humbled at all even though he sounded like it. I don’t think he knows what that truly is. He wasn’t respectful bowling in like he was and inviting himself for dinner. I reckon besides realising he was being a total ass he wanted to save his precious car, his pride and joy and probably try and weedle his way back into my life. I will have to wait and see just what he actually does to see how genuine it all was. As ususal.  He even asked child support to alllow him to give me his child support himself. I said no. How can I trust him after what he has done? What he says is meaningless. I am not going to give him that power over me at all. I’ll wait to see what he does. He has always been a chameleon – changing colours/attitudes/behaviours to suit his own needs. This was all still about him and saving himself, not about us and the kids.

Enuff!