Learning to say NO!

Ok..I have a life long problem…I am not good at saying ‘no’. It’s a simple word. I can do it well in the classroom when I have to, and sometimes I have no choice but to say ‘no’ because it costs too much and is not in the budget – but that’s not the kind of ‘no’ I am talking about. I am talking about the ‘no’ needed when you have to put yourself, your needs, your life and wellbeing first.

I have usually done as expected. Rarely do I question a request for help, support, completion of a task. By question, I mean rarely do I ask myself how will this affect me. My first automatic response is ‘Yes, what can I do to help’ and I just do not stop and think about what effect saying ‘yes’ may have on me. I don’t even ask myself if I actually want to do it sometimes. I think my girls have got my handle on this one because when I do want to say ‘no’ I struggle with it – sometimes I can’t, sometimes I can but I feel terrible – as if I have let them down in some way. Crazy….I know.

A few weeks back I said a resounding ‘NO’ to my husband. But I seem to still be struggling with the lesson.

Miss 17 asks if she can out…I want to say ‘No’ but say ‘yes’…This week I took stock of this and have decided that regardelss of how she feels about it, saying NO is in her best interests (and in this case it was) so I said NO with a bit more comfidence. It felt good at last.

I have worked in many different commnities in my life as a voulnteer for one reason or another and often end up ‘volunteering’ for some role or other. It might be the french/Spanish club at Uni, the local Folk art and decorative painting group, the local patchwork group, an internet based community that designs open source software or is simply a chat group. All of these groups survive because generous people offer their skills and time to make it happen. I am one of those people.

In these groups I find myself in another can’t say ‘no’ situation. This is the case especially when ‘elections’ are up or volunteers for a specific task are called for and everyone is sitting around eyeballing the rest saying to themselves ‘don’t nominate me because then I will have to say no’…or worse actually contribute something real to this group that supports me. So in the end the one or two (or few if the group is lucky) who most often give of their time or energy are doing it again and saying ‘yes’. I am often one of these people. In internet based groups there is no eyeballing…instead there are written pleas and posts that say how wonderful you are to encourage you to say ‘yes’ – but the scenario is pretty much the same depending on the size of the group.

My problem has been that when I have wanted to say ‘no’ I ignore the little voice in my headthat says this,  and say ‘Yes’ instead. I justify this decision with ‘I can do this’ and I am already planning how to fit this new comitment into my life. Ok..so what is the little voice in my head saying that goes unheard?

It says:

Do I need this?

Do I want this?

Will this help me feel good about myself?

Is it fun?

Can I do this?

Do I have enough time and energy to do this well?

Am I comfortable to work within the team, guidelines, or structures?

 

Ok…so here it is…from now on I am going to listen to this voice of reason. I am going to ask myself how saying ‘yes’ will contribute to the quality of my life and if I don’t get a majority ‘yes’ vote on these questions the answer will be a resounding ‘NO’.

 In the last 24 hours I have put this into action. Admittedly something happened that triggered the decision to say ‘NO’ and it was related to the team, guidelines and structures question. But it went a lot deeper. I had been working and contributing to this community for a long time. I don’t care what anyone else does but when I do this I invest not only my time and physical or mental energy, I also invest emotional energy. I don’t get paid. It is personal – therefore carries emotions with it.

I sat and thought – NO I do not need this situation or the task, or for that matter even involvement in the project anymore. My needs for it have changed. No, I do not want to be involved in a community so ravaged with change and bitter memories. Yes, it could help me feel good about myself,  I had plenty of support. But, it wasn’t much fun at the moment and has not been for some time. Do I have the time…well since I have been running late to work every day this week in spite of getting up early to create the time – no. I also don’t think in the present moment I have the time to do it well. So…the resounding number of ‘no’ answers to these questions had to be heard.

 I said ‘No’. I bailed.

And I feel good! I feel good for saying ‘no’ because I am learning to think about the impact of saying yes on me.

Just after this I got in my emails my M.I.T of the day from Brian Kim This Motivational and Inspirational Thought of the day included this:

Without focusing on the fundamentals, there is no structure, no center, no foundation on which anything can be built upon.   So focus on the fundamentals today and over the weekend. Plan exactly what you’re going to do.
Write it down.Prioritize.Take action. See it through.Rinse and repeat. 

Very boring, I know, but oh so important.

Hmm…Time to determine my fundamentals…and use NO when it does not fit the plan! That’s how I think I will learn to say ‘no’! oh…and was this email ever so timely (serendipity perhaps) to reassure me that my decision was good! Thanks Brian!

Post edit: I just founf anpther good reason for me to be learning to say NO! Check out this Life balance- 7 keys to avoid burnout. I think I have found anothe really good blog.