I don’t usually wake to nightmares but recently this has been happening a lot and it has scared the shit out of me. I am writing about it in the hope that along with this, the milo, the valium and some pain killer for the sciatic that is screaming at me I might head to bed for the second time tonight with a lot more calm and have a good sleep. It is only 10.20 – I had only been asleep an hour and a half –went to bed really tired but have woken super stressed. My soon to be ex was out but I vaguely recall hearing him come home and ask my daughter if mum had gone to bed – I dozed back off to sleep – not sure if that was when he entered the dream or when it started…but he is the main character of this drama.
I am in a house – a big one – in the privacy of my room, enjoying the company of my brother who has the latest and greats in techno toys. There is a computer so tiny and gadget like it seems like it from another planet. My brother is one for having the latest and greatest in toys if he can afford them and I am positive my soon to be ex wanted almost everything my brother has…so maybe that is why this techno gadget for accessing the internet was around. It exists only as far as I know in my imagination. The keyboard, monitor and mouse are all interlocking but separable parts. The screen grows in size according to need, and the mouse in the dream appeared to have been made for left handers so I was not comfortable using it. My sister in law was with me and I was wanting to show her a website – a real one – craigharper.com – a wonderful life coach blog I have come across that at least for me has been able to tell it like it is in an incredible way. I hate clichés but he hits the nail on the head when it comes to describing the kind of person my soon to be ex is as a leecher of the life from me. Anyway – I digress…
I was persistent that I show her this site – excited about it – It is a way of, if you like, sharing with another as I have shared with many today that I am not crazy but real – that this decision to leave him is my only hope of salvation from the deep depression I am in. It was frustrating as I could not get the gadget to work properly and I feel as if my bro and SIL were in the dream as part of my support network. (it’s big and they do not feature highly in it – interesting!) and one day I am going to have to meet this Craig Harper for a real coffee! (digressing again)
Dreams change tack – and this one did…the ex rolled up - this may be when he actually arrived home for real – and the support network was gone. I was on my own bar my two girls who were doing what teenagers do – their own thing – and in the privacy of my room again. Sleeping – but I was disturbed firstly by the sense that someone was in the room near me (possibly the dog stirring for real as he really was asleep next to me) and it was my ex – on the floor – headphones on? Dunno – but seemingly pleased to be in my space – comfy, relaxed and sleeping. (Like a good and loyal dog???) I decided to ignore it –but I was ANGRY – a feeling I have buried so long I have forgotten what it felt like. I have been complacent, compromising and acquiescent for 21 years. I do not acknowledge anger for at least 24 hours after an event and by then I have convinced myself it is too late to say you hurt me or made me angry so it gets buried deep down – (that’s the dungeon of my depression!0 - so I did the usual and did not acknowledge.
Ms subconscious was not at all happy – so there was another noise – a low volume music that is not my style annoying the shit out of me – all I wanted to do do was sleep. I woke (dream not for real). It was the radio on my alarm clock playing music – I grabbed it and ripped it from the wall and threw it. But the noise did not stop – reminds me of “the medium” . I could hear it from another room – mr ex must have turned it on and must have had it on in some form out my window – that at least was the assumption I was making – and he –pleased as punch was in in my space oblivious to my frustration. (in real life – I hunt out the quiet of the bedroom and a good book so he decides to come in and join me in bed and turns on the idiot box…the impact of the sound and invasion of space was something I never really got heard on so I gave up speaking up about it – the similarities with this nightmare are real!)
So I lost it – screamed at him to get out of my space – yelled at him about what an unholy, selfish prick he was, about how he only ever thinks of himself and his own need to feel good and he started back on me about how it was all my fault. By this time we were out of the bedroom and in common space. I was picking up a chair like a trainer and his lion. Poking it at him – it broke so I picked up another yelling – ‘Shutup – don’t interrupt – you shut up and listen and do not say another word until I am finished’ – Go me! I have never ever spoken to him like that (let alone dreamed that I would!) I raged and ranted till he shut his mouth – then I said to him – it is over. Get out – get out of MY space, get out of MY life. You are not going to vamp my emotional energy any more. I noticed the kids see me lose it – that is scary. I was scared – I am usually so controlled these days since I recognised what losing it to kids does to them when they are little – I stopped doing that a long time ago and got very good at counting to ten…Episodes of losing it at them were more often than not brought on by frustration with soon to be ex and I recognised that and stopped doing it…tried to talk to him about being angry but it seems I was always wrong – my reality was wrong, my feelings denied.
In this nightmare I am not wrong, my reality is real and for once I stood up and said you LISTEN. Get out – and he leaves, tail between his legs in his jocks. For a while he was creeping around the house so the girls and I were running around locking doors to keep him out. Some time must have passed before he left as he was ‘picked up’ by a car load of stereotypical Broadie sheila’s with big bums and foul mouths yelling at me what a bitch I was for treating him, this nice guy like this. (let me explain for the uninitiated the Broadie Sheila – Braodmeadows is a suburb of Melbourne reknown for it’s age of rough, tough, low to no income and unemployed white Australian rednecks who wore jeans and moccasins. They are bullies. These days they have moved on to further outlying suburbs as the Greeks, Italians, Lebanese and Chinese (add no Muslims) have moved into the area….but you get the drift – foul mouthed and full of anger at the world – the kind of people for whom the world owes them something and nothing is their fault…just like my soon to be ex and guess where he grew up – in the City of Broadmeadows.)
Then there was an invasion of old biddies (no idea how they got there but dreams are not supposed to make sense anyway) – well to do Australian ‘housewives’ who came in and accused me of mistreating him and stopping the family line of (our surname). Truth be told he and his brother are the last of the male line. We had daughters, his brother has no child of his own and his wife had a daughter before they met – so we are the end of the line for this gene pool. That was so unfair! I had one child with a forceps delivery – no anaesthesia and the other as an emergency c –section. No more babies for me thank you! I had done my best – and what business was it of these old biddies anyway. They represent the 1950’s version of the baby boomer mum – the good wife and mother – the one who looked after her husband by doing his bidding and he looked after her and the kids by providing the family income. Hello? Isn’t this 2007! The injustice of all this is that I provide 2/3 of the family income and am expected to be a wife /mother of the 1950’s as well??? Come on! (My father in law earlier this week said ‘I always knew you were a career girl’ – as if that explains it all – the failure of a marriage and as if something is wrong with me. That hurts so bad! It’s so unfair! But I bet that’s how these characters happened to enter the picture – to tell me off and be a good girl aka wife and mother 1950’s style. )
Then came the final insult. When I originally told my ex I wanted a separation among his first reactions came the question of divorce. (The first was this will send me broke – he was only worried about himself and his own lifestyle. The kids did not get a mention) I did not ask for a divorce and at present do not care for one – will not go out of my way to line the pocket of some lawyer – but he feels his ‘rights’ are being violated in some way and will surely go to a solicitor and find out. Spend unnecessary money. His wage was down around an hours pay this week so I have my suspicions that he may have done just that – so back to the nightmare now – he was back at the door waving papers in my face – sign these – divorce papers – asshole – in the dream at least he had done as expected and gone and filed for divorce! Wanting to make sure he gets everything he is entitled to. He is such an idiot that he will throw our ‘amicable’ separation into a spin like that. He has already gone and got himself a post office box so his mail is totally private. (not that he gets much mail – most of our bills are addressed to me!)
By now I was done in, exhausted, flabbergasted and crying. I woke for real. And eery as it is I heard that music I described earlier and it really was playing – from my study where my daughter was using my PC, it’s audio and yakking online. The sound was echoing through the house and I was hearing it.
They say wild dreams like this can last only seconds. I have no Idea how long this one lasted but I doubt he was ‘really home’ before 9.30 and I was awake and crying at 10pm - awake for real when I realised how agitated I was and decided I had to get up. Daughter asked if I was ok – told her I had a nightmare but could not tell her the story – the music had disturbed me but not her fault – if I had not had a silly nightmare I would not have woken and the music would not have woken me – and all I needed was a hug which she happily gave. (and the use of my PC so I could write this – she is back on her own.)
Ok…it’s out there – on paper. I don’t quite know what to make of it all though. I am no dream interpreter or psychologist but I can see some real anger, real fear, real frustration in here and I obviously need to listen to that. Maybe I really do need to throw that tantrum at him. I recall saying to my doctor some weeks ago before I came to the realisation that I was in need of offloading this relationship and in the depths of depression (suicidal thinking depression) – I was at my worst. I said to him – ‘I want to throw a tantrum – a really big childish tantrum. I have never been allowed to do that and I want to do it so bad.’ He asked what I was wanting to rail against. I had already spent 12 months in counselling to sort out what I thought was work related depression and stress. But work really was ok – they have been caring, loving as a workplace can be. My therapy was work supported. I really could not at the time answer his question – I had no idea why I was so desperate to throw the tantrum but I threw it in this nightmare tonight. Now I know – it is a tantrum at my soon to be ex – I want to rail against him so much for the way he has mistreated me (and at myself for not being able to stand up for myself in a better way) and been only centred on his own needs, even after we spent lots of money and time in counselling and how nothing has really changed. His central core values and being now are no different to what they were before I married him (the only thing he has forgotten how to do is be charming! But I have seen this resurface since I asked for the separation. It is a skill used only when in dire need – not part of his normal way of being.)
I believe he has traits of being narcissistic: (I read an article about this in a ‘good health’ magazine at the doctors) - From Wikipedia:
At least five of the following are necessary for a diagnosis (as with many DSM diagnoses, they must form a pervasive pattern; for example, a person who shows these criteria only in one or two relationships or situations would not properly be diagnosed with NPD):· has a grandiose sense of self-importance · is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love · believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by other special people · requires excessive admiration · strong sense of entitlement · takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends · lacks empathy · is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her · arrogant affect.
Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is isolating, disenfranchising, painful, and formidable for those diagnosed with it and often those who are in a relationship with them.
(Yikes – that’s me) – Now why didn’t the professionals I was with 11 years ago when I wanted to leave him tell me this then – perhaps I would have steered clear. I think they operated under some sense of obligation to help couples stay together…
This nightmare reflects these qualities is him too…
And then there is the question of how was it I came to the point of realizing I just cannot do this anymore? I see these behaviours in my children and the teenagers I teach. Most of us try them on as children and realise they don’t work. We outgrow them and learn to alter them. My soon to be ex is 47. I have to stop kicking myself for letting it go on this long.
