I heard this quote on the radio the other day. I am in the middle of crawling out of a hole of deep and dark depression and one aspect of my life that took me into this hole was the ‘do not under any circumstances rock the boat’ way of approaching life. Instinctively I knew this was wrong, but as a child I learnt this lesson well – don’t upset your mother AKA the most important person in your life.
Well…this little philosphy found it’s way to not rocking the boat with the demands of friends and boyfreinds, then my husband. It translates as simply as this: If I say I am angry, upset or unhappy about something I will hurt them.
The trouble is…I end up sick – very sick – with the deepest well of built up anger and frustration and I now suffer a real fear of rocking anyones boat – up until 3 weeks ago when I recognised that if I am to make my life worthwhile there will be times when this just simply must be done, for the good of myself and my children. So…I got a grip and told it like it is…I am not happy living with my husband and his narcisism drives me mad. I told him I want to separate.
I suppose you are wondering what this has to do with upsetting the apple cart? I am in the midst of this upheavel and I heard this on a radio talk back show. It stayed with me because that is exactly what I am doing in my life right now. Well it’s the same thing as not rocking the boat but it is somehow more liberating. I have tipped the cart of my marriage over- and am waiting to see exactly how the apples will fall.
Will he grow up and find a new way of life without my as is source of emotional self worth?
Will he bail out of all his responsibilities as a father and run home to his mum since this one (me) has dropped the cart and left?
Will I really be happier and more confident (so far those apples are turning out to be delicious!)
Will my children (13 and almost 17) one day understand just how important this was for me? And will I be so free of much of my depression that we will find a happiness we never knew existed?
Will I find more financial security than ever before, and be able to help my children reach their goals instead of saying to them ‘impossible, we can’t afford that’ or him saying ‘I don’t have the time’ (20 hours worth of TV is more important)
So…I am watching how the apples will fall. The bad apples are tumbling further away, the good ones have made their way to my new cart.
Try it yourself….you just might find that you are a better person from the outcome!
Hi There,
Came across your site after reading one of your comments on Craig Harper.
Your posts resonate with me. One of my relatives is in a similar type position and she is fighting very hard to stay strong.
I was in a depressive state myself about 8 months back, but since then Ive discovered this thing called personal development, and it has helped me immensively. It has helped me get back on track to the type of life I want to live. If you get a chance, visit http://www.stevepavlina.com, he has an excellent site for personal development, as well as http://www.briankim.net. Also get/borrow a copy of ‘The Secret’ DVD, this is an eye-opener to the concept of ‘the law of attraction’, ‘intention-manifestation’.
I admire your courage. I hope you continue your positive journey and your life grows into something great you never imagined.
Take care.
Anonymous.
Thanks anonymous – have bookmarked the links for a look at another time. The courage comes and goes at times and right now I am trying to ‘find’ the real me – hard work.