Well, this at least is what I said to my counsellor when I finally found the courage to tell my husband those dreadful words ‘I want a separation’. There – I had finally said it and at first I was felling pretty good but the next day I got the guilts. Here is what she had to say:
I need to know in more detail about the statement “What have I done?” pull that apart for me. Put it in context with the issues we were discussing yeterday I think this is a direct result of your own guilt and not knowing how to deal with the guilt. remembering that you have been guilty about most things in your life for as long as you can remember.
Well…what she says is true. Here’s a little history for you so you can come to terms with my ranting and raving and declaration that this is enough!
I grew up in a family where my own feelings and especially any anger I might have experienced were denied to the point where I got very good at repressing anger and very good at feeling guilty if I ‘rocked the boat’ in some shape or form. The apple of my mothers eye, I was her ‘good’ girl. So…I had to be good. Sometimes I was bad – really bad and then racked with the fear of God (mum?) as a result. Most times I was the perfect angel she expected me to be.
I went off to university – the first in our family (extended) to ever do so. I was special! I met up with many guys who were up for little more than sex (more on that another day) until along came a guy who respected me a lot more and wanted to marry me within months. I wasn’t sure – but he doted on me and for the first time in my life I did feel special. But there were times well…you know…I had my doubts. My mum fought me hard over this choice of partner – so I fought harder back to keep it together. We married, I wished we had not within the first year. But I had made a promise, a commitment, and I could not express the anger, rage and frustration i needed to to build a healthy relationship thanks to my don’t rock the boat upbringing. So I tried on the role of dutiful wife – suited him down to the ground – just like his mother.
Two adorable children later I could not cope any more. I was working full time, mothering two little girls and a supposedly mature male. Man I was sick – in the biggest black hole ever. I had been diagnosed with depression after child number one but my exhaustion at trying to hold on to myself and be superwoman got the better of me. I quit my job – swore never to walk back into a school to teach again – (ha ha!) I hated staying home to so I launched into teaching craft. This required I work in a shop from 5.00- 9.30 each Monday evening so a neighbour would come and mind the girls till he got home. One night I didn’t have to go till 6.30. Neighbour was not needed. His response to being left alone with the kids was ‘Where is C?” and “Who is going to look after the kids?” Well that was it! – He had totally absolved himself of all responsibility for his own children and was not going to cope without a helpmate. I crashed and burned totally then and asked him to leave. (There’s a lot more but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back)
He wanted a second chance and standing up tall in my conscious mind were guilt, shame, promise. I had also been given enough negative warning about how hard it was for young mums with two little kids out there in the real world to be quite frightened of it. So we went off to counselling, and some sex therapy, and well you name it it happened. We found a way to relate to each other and then he lost his job. His narcissism and pride had stood in my path all the way and here he was for months not really looking for a new job because none of them were ’suitable’. I had to work. I had to go back to teaching because within our collective skills that would earn the best money – but I wanted to go back home to the country.
So – opportunity number two to break free had come along. If I have to work full time I am going back home to the country to do it. I don’t care if you come or not. At first he resisted – but the kids pleaded and he could not say no to taking a risk and going on an adventure – like wow! Well here I am 5 years later and little has changed. He is still narcissistic, he is still full of overblown pride, does not adequately acknowledge my contribution to his lifestyle, his inner core values are no different to some of the ones I observed right before we married when I had my doubts. No amount of counselling will change who he is and I am finally hearing the words often said by mentors, doctors and counsellors ’look after yourself’. So I have said ENOUGH! I sometimes wonder where the courage to do this has come from but really it is easy – fight or flight. I was having some pretty scary suicidal thoughts but I have decided I have more to offer the world (and my children) that that…so that kind of flight just would not do. Neither would ‘flight’ in taking off and leaving him for dead. So I am fighting – for me, to rediscover the courage I know is inside me, the self esteem and joy in life, and I am fighting for an amicable separation.
Three weeks ago I doubted this last bit would happen but he has ‘come round’, and owned up to a few home truths about himself and still wants to be part of the kids lives. So…we are separating, amicably, and already I am feeling stronger. This blog will work on this story – and other things to which I have decided to say enuff. (Enough!)
